Cattle
I felt envy washing over me as I observed my surroundings. In every direction, I found myself amidst exceptionally talented individuals—artists, musicians, photographers, and more. My incredibly talented friends were recognized for their remarkable abilities, making it appear as if they were almost destined for greatness from birth.
It must be amazing to be in their shoes, to be aware of one’s talents, and to understand how they can turn those talents into a source of income.
As a jack of all trades and master of none, I reflected on the idea that it must be gratifying to be recognized for something I excelled in. For the longest time, I grappled with identifying my strengths. Depression that crept in the later years of my life excavated the struggle, robbing away any sense of purpose that I had.
What am I truly good at? And what is my purpose in life?
I remember grappling with this notion many years ago during my early Christian years. As a teenager living with my staunch Buddhist parents at the time, my mother took me to church secretly, hoping that the church environment would transform my stubborn, rebellious nature. While attending Saturday night services in a Pentecostal church, people were singing, praising, and worshiping God with remarkable passion. The worship leaders were highly talented in playing music; we would seamlessly transition from full-blown rock-and-roll praise songs to an emotionally charged worship session with God. Their music had the power to stir emotions in me that I had not felt before. The entire experience felt like an emotional roller coaster.
I recall admiring their talent and wishing I could serve God alongside them, but they already had their program planned out. Hence I just stayed on the sidelines.
Each week, when the worship songs played in the background, the church pastor would call out some people in the church and prophecy over their lives. People fell down and worshiped, crying aloud and confessing their sins. Some would scream loudly in pain as they were “scourged,” while others would laugh gleefully. Almost all of them spoke in tongues.
As a part-time church-goer, I was never prophesied over, nor did I ever feel the “falling of the Holy Spirit.” Granted, I was the weird kid who longed for some sort of belonging back then, but going to this church widened the chasm between me and God as I felt immense rejection from Him—I was the only one without any “gifts.”
I found myself deep in thought at the back of the church one day, observing the entire scene. Though I was still in awe, I started posing some profound questions to God.
“God, if you’re real and all loving, why do I feel more excluded in church than anywhere else?”
“Why would you grant them the gift of the Holy Spirit and not me?”
Yes, I couldn’t help but feel very envious of them.
“Why am I not considered one of God’s favorites?”
“Why did God bestow talents—especially the Holy Spirit to these people but not me?”
“If I put in enough effort, I believe I could become proficient in certain skills. After all, hard work always yields results. However, God’s favor isn’t something I can simply attain through effort.”
Then it happened— for the first time ever, I was prophesied over. The pastor called out my name and rebuked me in front of everyone, claiming I had a “heart of stone” for not participating in worship like the others.
While I was having a heartfelt conversation with God, I faced judgment, while everyone else received good prophecies.
I began to think that God did not love me, hence He did not send me the Holy Spirit as He did for the rest of them. This encounter with the pastor pushed me away from Christianity.
I pondered that maybe because I wasn’t talented or popular enough, I was not good enough for Christianity. Perhaps being a Christian was only for a select few. I could get used to not being God’s favorite.
It’s okay.
Fast forward, while I indulged in the college party scene, a friend invited me to attend an Adventist church. I faithfully participated for a few years, not fully grasping the implications of following God. Years later, after understanding some Bible truth, I wanted to be baptized—but my work on Sabbath twice a month posed a hindrance to the process. The lingering thought returned, “It’s the same everywhere. These people only want perfect Christians.”
“I’m never going to be good enough.” I thought.
As I contemplated giving up Christianity altogether, I couldn’t shake off what I had learned. My conversion experience was undeniable, and I knew that God existed and was real. This time, despite my feelings telling me otherwise, I could not give up on Jesus. The enemy tried to discourage me from the sidelines, attempting to convince me that Jesus didn’t love me and that I’d never measure up. I chose not to let that affect my walk with God. Despite my emotions, I chose to believe in God’s word and His love.
Subsequently, I enrolled in a comprehensive four-month Bible course, delving into the studies of Daniel, Revelation, How to Study the Bible, etc. I cherished the experience, immersing myself in the love of God. Feeling deeply connected to God, I wholeheartedly surrendered my life to Jesus. I believed that it was all worthwhile.
When the course ended, the opportunity to serve in ministry as a Bible worker presented itself, and I embraced it. I was eager to share what I had learned as I was truly on fire for Jesus. However, the lingering doubt crossed my mind again, “Am I really good enough for this role?” Being a Bible worker meant sacrificing my personal pursuits and dedicating all my time to this work. Although I loved sharing what I had learned, something felt amiss. Before attending Bible school, I had huge aspirations, including finishing law school. Now, as a Bible worker, I worked for a meager wage, and I was not entirely content. I desired a life of self-sufficiency and financial independence. I wasn’t prepared to sacrifice all that for ministry; it would contradict the path I had diligently paved and necessitate a complete change in the trajectory of my life.
“After all, I’m not a ‘good enough Christian,’ so why should I try so hard?”
I thought of leaving the position altogether and expressed my concerns to David, the person in charge, that I wanted to depart after a month and continue with law school.
He paused for a moment and asked me to stay a little longer.
“Didn’t you hear God’s voice for you to be in ministry?” He asked me.
“Yes. But it doesn’t matter. I want to be financially independent. I want to be a successful person.”
As a successful businessman, he shared his life story, expressing regrets about not initially pursuing God’s calling. Recognizing some similarities between us, he took it upon himself to be my mentor as I sought spiritual guidance and counsel from him.
At that point, admittedly, I had not fully surrendered to Jesus.
“God will take care of all your needs,” he said.
“What about my wants?”
“God knows the desires of your heart, and He is willing to give you good things, as a good Father would.”
This sentence struck me hard. Despite all the studies I had been through, I did not believe that God truly favored me. The initial idea of serving in ministry diminished significantly as it took place ten years ago, and now I aspired to be a successful lawyer. So, why would God call me to go into ministry at this very time?
I was not satisfied. I felt that God pulled a rug from under me. When I wanted to serve, I was told that I wasn’t good enough. Ten years passed, and all of a sudden, I was called.
Why now? Why not fifty years later? I would have the money and the free time then.
I desired self-sufficiency, having full control and confidence in my ability to earn a living through my own efforts and work. I did not want to live in uncertainty, with little to no money in my bank account, barely scraping by to survive.
I was open to serving God, but I did not want to be poor.
“Trust in God, Min. Obey and trust in Him. He owns the cattle of a thousand hills! What can’t he do for you?”
“He gave those cattle to someone else, David. I only get the grass. I need to work for my own cattle.”
While I believed that God loved me, I hesitated to believe that He would bless me. I thought His love came with rankings, and I did not see myself in the top few. This stemmed from the longstanding belief that I wasn’t good enough for God and that He didn't care about what I wanted. All I believed I needed to care about was what He wanted, even if I disagreed and couldn’t see the vision from His perspective. I mistakenly attributed human features to God in this process.
Nevertheless, despite my anxiety about my future, I still served God with all my heart. I could not envision myself doing Bible work for the rest of my life. Although I delivered full, compelling Bible studies, my faith was diminishing. I struggled to understand why God would place me in this position, knowing that I would face immense challenges. David referred to this season as my “wilderness experience,” emphasizing the need for complete surrender to allow God to shape my character.
Yet, I still asked the same question, “God, why can’t You just give me what I wanted? You know the desires of my heart!”
Even after completing the comprehensive four-month Bible course, I found my early ministry journey bore a striking resemblance to King Saul. Like him, I possessed a haughty temperament, and due to impatience, I would often charge ahead of God, desiring success in life. Saul was impatient as he did not wait for Samuel to offer sacrifice. He took matters into his own hands as he led a victorious but self-driven battle against the Philistines. I, too, often prioritized my plans for life over God’s, and I would get disappointed when my agenda did not align with His.
Saul’s impatience and stubbornness led to the removal of the Holy Spirit from him, severing his connection with God. While in my teenage Christian years, I couldn’t distinctly “hear” or “feel” the Holy Spirit, my later experiences highlighted the profound importance of having God in my life. Saul’s life served as a valuable lesson, reminding me of the potential dangers of pursuing personal ambitions without aligning them with God’s will. If I failed to keep them in check, one misstep would lead to another, ultimately jeopardizing my relationship with God.
Despite my persistent feelings, I decided to stay for another year. I am grateful for this path because, through this experience, I discovered that His plans surpassed mine, and His thoughts were higher than my thoughts. As I continued my work, I witnessed God’s incredible work, particularly in the healing of a woman who was possessed by a demon for nine years. I felt His power and love as I delved deeper into the Bible and expanded my studies. I observed how God opened doors through impossible situations and how His love profoundly impacted many hearts and lives. Although I was earning a meager stipend, I had everything I needed and more. Truly, God was very good to me.
Undeniably, when I first embarked on my Christian journey, I started with a lot of rough edges, resembling a novice in the Christian faith. Despite my self-doubt and distorted beliefs about God, He recognized my potential and worked with me at my current stage. He provided me with a mentor who patiently guided, mentored, and chided me along the right path.
It is a sobering thought that if I stubbornly followed my desires, pursued law and achieved financial independence, then I would have missed out on the profound experience of getting to know God at this intimate level. Despite feeling inadequate for the calling God had bestowed upon me, I learned that He qualifies those He calls, and our role is simply to place our trust in Him. God does not require exceptional talents to follow Him—He only asks for our obedience, and He will take care of the rest.
“Hath the Lord as great delight in burnt offerings and sacrifices, as in obeying the voice of the Lord? Behold, to obey is better than sacrifice, and to hearken than the fat of rams”(1 Sam. 15:22).
This experience allowed me to know God on a deeper level than ever before, instilling in me a complete and unwavering trust in Him. Indeed, I gained more than the cattle on a thousand hills— this experience was invaluable, beyond anything I could have asked for. God worked on my prideful temperament, cultivating in me qualities like meekness, gentleness, patience, goodness, kindness, and mercy. Above all, I discovered peace that surpassed all understanding, knowing that He is in control. I came to understand that Jesus is infinitely more valuable than any wealth and He is deserving of all my life and devotion.
