Roads
I sensed a wave of stress gushing over me as I fixed my gaze on the screen. Feeling perplexed, my brows were furrowed as I stared at the wide array of options that paraded in front of my very eyes. I hesitated to make a selection of the product that I wanted on Amazon as I hovered the mouse over some selections and clicked through all the reviews, meticulously checking for the “truth” about the particular item I wanted.
If time is equivalent to money, I would have wasted a lot of “money” on shopping for a $10 item.
While it is a stereotype that “ladies love shopping,” I do not belong in that category. In fact, I avoid it at all costs, unless I absolutely have to.
Yes, I like new and nice things, but I just loathe the process.
In other words, I despised making decisions due to fear of making the wrong move, and regretting it later on. People who were close to me knew not to go shopping with me, unless we had a whole day to spare because I had a hard time grappling with choices ALL the time.
This also explained the unsettling feeling when I found out that an average human being makes around 35,000 remotely conscious decisions a day (a study done by Cornell University). Breaking it down, discounting the fact that an average human being sleeps seven hours per day, an average person makes around 2,000 decisions an hour, which roughly amounts to one decision made in every two seconds of our lives.
Yes, our lives revolve around every decision we make. Literally.
I pondered this question repeatedly: what would happen if I refrain from making a decision? What if I choose not to choose for an entire day? I imagined myself spending the entire day in bed, doing nothing. Then a stark realization hit me: even in the act of choosing to do nothing, I still chose to do something.
In short, a non-decision is still a decision.
I recalled a moment of frustration with a friend who found himself caught in a state of indecision when I confided in him about a conflict I had with an administrator. Instead of words of support, his response was merely these three words, “I don’t know…”
My heart sank. I thought he’d be someone who would stand by me after recollecting the deliberate actions of the person that caused me harm and the unfairness I endured. He chose not to get involved that day.
Although those three words set my blood to a boiling point, he had a right to choose. It pained me to admit that I could relate to him in some ways: There were instances when I encountered homeless people on the street and chose to walk by. There were moments when I observed a quarrel and chose to keep my distance. There were times when a friend reached out for help, yet I opted to turn a blind eye due to minor inconveniences…
I can’t help but wonder what change could I make in someone’s life if I made a decision to do something then. After all, one small act of kindness could make someone’s day, or even better, help them see Jesus’ kindness and love towards them.
Tumbling down the rabbit hole, I reminisced upon my life and where I’m at— every single decision I made, action or non action, propelled me to where I am at this current moment. What I chose to pursue, my career path, whom I chose to keep in my circle, whom I chose to believe in, down to my lifestyle choices had made a significant impact in my life. Sometimes I’d love to take my cake and eat it too, but I only had one choice to make.
My favorite poet, Robert Frost penned this down beautifully,
“ Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both…”
In this context, all roads do not lead to Rome. Reflecting on my own journey, I have traversed paths led to a serene, beautiful greenery when I followed instructions. However, there are moments when I have deliberately taken a path that led me into deep darkness, away from God— even after I became a Christian. As much as I regretted my decisions, the road that I took was a one way street. There was no going back in time to fix it. At times, I feel ashamed telling my conversion story to others because I am not as faithful to God as I used to be. I was not proud of my Christian experience and I envied those who remained steadfast and true to their Christian walk while I fell, stumbled, and rolled along all the way through.
I resembled Lot in my Christian walk. He walked by sight when he chose the road that gleamed the brightest, or seemed the fairest one to travel. When he was given a choice to pick where he would go, Lot “lifted up his eyes and saw the Jordan Valley was well watered everywhere like the garden of the Lord, like the land of Egypt, in the direction of Zoar…so Lot chose for himself all the Jordan Valley, and Lot journeyed east. Thus they (Abraham and Lot) separated from each other… Abram settled in the land of Canaan, while Lot settled among the cities of the valley and moved his tent as far as Sodom. Now the men of Sodom were wicked, great sinners against the Lord.” (Gen 13:10-13)
The road he chose altered the course of his life completely. Despite knowing the corrupting influences of Sodom, he still made a conscious decision to settle in that land anyway. Due to the surrounding influences, even though he pitched his tent “outside the city,” the pervasive wickedness of the city found its way to infiltrate his tent, seeping into his family’s minds, leaving an indelible mark on him and his family. Tragically, his wife developed a deep attachment to Sodom in her heart, to the point that she looked back, and was turned into a pillar of salt. His daughters, influenced by the environment they were raised in,resorted to the grievous act of sleeping with their own father in order to bear children. It was a profound series of tragic events.
I can only imagine Lot’s initial thoughts when he chose the seemingly green pasture in sight.. He might have believed that all the resources were awaiting him there, and his faith might have led him to believe that he can resist all the evil influences of the city. Afterall, he had better knowledge of faith and his God than the people who dwelled in the city, having been taught by His uncle Abraham, the father of faith, who treated him like his own son.
Similar to Lot, I had an encounter where I believed I was strong enough to resist the influences of my past. I was a new Christian and God had changed my life tremendously, and I embraced a new lease of life. Years later, I came across a Chinese fantasy novel which prominently featured Eastern influence. I was well aware of its contents and what I was getting into as I flipped the pages. Having distanced myself from such teachings, I was confident that I would never be swayed again. I thought to myself nonchalantly, “Eh. I know better. What’s the harm? It’s all entertainment anyways. I know the truth and I will never stray from God.”
I had never been so wrong in my life.
My addiction towards the story deepend with the more pages I turned. Thoughts of this religion consumed my mind to the point of genuinely convincing myself that I misunderstood it all along. The novel piqued my curiosity and I was even tempted to embark on a new spiritual journey to search for the “real truth.” The memory of the fortune teller resurfaced in my mind repeatedly, her words about my past life lingered in my thoughts. The temptation to delve into her claims and to discover their validity tugged at my heartstrings, urging me to explore and verify them first hand.
It was then I heard a voice in my mind telling me otherwise.
“Min, you have experienced God and you know Him. Do not stray.”
The voice was clear, and it was bright as day. I am convinced that it was the voice of the Holy Spirit. This was a slap back to reality for me. Everything that the fortune teller said was directly against the word of God!
The realization that I had fallen so deeply into the enemy’s trap engulfed me with shame and disgust. I felt like a total fool. Alas, pride came before the fall. I had naively believed myself to be resilient enough to resist the allure of the influence, yet I let it ensnare me instead. Enchanted by the captivating tales of charm and magic, I found myself entangled in its web.
All it took was one step— the decision to flip one page, and the decision to flip another, and another… until I found myself on the verge of believing that this could be the ultimate truth. The journey of a thousand miles indeed begins with a single step— whether it be towards a virtuous or a detrimental path. Unfortunately, I found myself veering down the twisted and wayward route, distancing myself from the truth. The more I ventured along this path, the further I strayed away from the right course. The once radiant light which brightly guided my path became dimmer and dimmer, diminishing with each step that I took.
Fortunately, there was a way out. Since I heard the voice of the Holy Spirit, I started reading the word of God again and found His promises which gave me peace of mind and conviction of truth. It was a renewing of heart and mind indeed. (John 17:17)
I was like a sheep which had gone astray, but I am grateful that I serve a God that would leave the ninety-nine to save one lost sheep like myself (Matt. 18:10-14). As I immersed myself in His promises, a particular verse spoke directly to my heart “And rend your heart and not your garments. Now return to the Lord For He is gracious and compassionate, Slow to anger, abounding in loving kindness, And relenting of evil.”(Joel 2:13). Even in moments when I contemplated on abandoning God, He never let me go. Instead He was right where I was at, nudging me, guiding me back gently. I learned a great lesson from this experience: to stand unwavering in my renewed commitment towards God, and to steer clear from any influence that could lead me astray. Being on the fence is a dangerous place to be. Afterall, our surroundings shape our thoughts and minds, and who we become. It is my fervent hope and prayer that with His help, I will forever remain faithful to Him, and be able to say this,
“Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
*and kept walking on it till this very day* (added)
And that has made all the difference”— Robert Frost
