Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

I am a good runner. 

In fact, if there is ever an award for running away from problems, there would be an array of medals and trophies proudly displayed in my room right now. With the speed and agility of Usain Bolt, I have been running from myself for years. 

I stopped in my tracks and stared at a mirror. I do not recognize the person staring back at me.  

Who… Am… I? 

“People love to be around you, Min. You are so likable.” 

“Hello, Ms. Popular!” 

“Girls want to be like you…Guys like you…” 

“You’re my favorite person!!” 

Voices of friends and acquaintances ran tirelessly in my head as I tried my best to overlook these compliments. While these are great feedback from my loved ones— genuine, even, something just did not sit right with me. 

I stared harder into the mirror, trying to ignore the voices in my head.  

Do they know who I really am? If they know the real Min, would they still tell me the same things? Would they still look at me the same? 

People usually gather gems of wisdom as they grow older, but as for me, I’m losing my marbles. 

Mirror, mirror, on the wall,  show me who I really am… 

Instead of Min, the grisly sight that greeted me in the mirror was my very own skeleton that I tried to bury. Deep down, I know that I am broken, shattered beyond pieces. I remembered opening the closet to my loved ones in the past, but they always end up leaving. 

I hated seeing my skeletons in the mirror. Not only are they a distasteful sight to behold, but they also reek the whole nine yards. I could play a game of hide and seek with them, but they’d always win. Unless I deal with them head on, they are always going to remain there, chasing me, shadowing me wherever I go. They have been at the back of my head, whispering unfavorable thoughts in my head repeatedly. 

Since I was a child, I was sold on the idea that no one will ever love me: even if they do, it is going to be only temporary. I cannot fathom the fact that people will love me for who I am. I refused to believe it— perhaps they only liked the pretty mask I put on. I firmly believe that they are mistaken: all that glitters is not gold. 

Those thoughts are especially damaging because they turn into a self-fulfilling prophecy. In refusing to believe their words, I turned into my worst self. I started picking fights, nit picking at the smallest things, throwing tantrums… you name it. It was my own doing that drove my loved ones away. Subconsciously, I ended up doing things to test and cross boundaries, to see if people accept the worst side of me, to see if they will stay… 

Not only did these skeletons damage my relationships with people, but they also posed a significant risk in my walk with God. I was convinced that God did not love me because I am not “enough.” After all, this was the reason why my Bible college rejected my scholarship application. I could not fit into the whole conservative Christian mold. I was still trying to recover from culture shock—going from the Min who frequents nightclubs and raves on weekends to the Min who goes to church and studies the Bible. I tried my best to follow Jesus. I did forsake my old ways. I left my ambition and law school to pursue God’s calling in my life. Yet my boisterous personality led to preconceived ideas of some supposed Christians, and I lost that opportunity. Worst of all, nobody confronted me about any rumors they heard before crafting this image of me in their minds. 

Hence, I chipped my edges, chiseled some corners to fit in, but everything was still in vain. No matter how hard I tried, I was still not “holy enough.” It was painful. 

“See, God does not love you…” Denial whispered. 

“God left you, my dear. Why bother trying? Just do whatever you like!” Self-Sabotage exclaimed. 

The toxic cycle repeated itself. I project my worst self onto God—walking away from Him, deliberately indulging myself in whatever I wish to do, to see if He is still there. Alas, I did not see or hear Him anymore. I was convinced that God left me too, that I was truly hopeless, undeserving of any love. 

If there was anyone I could relate to in this situation Biblically, it’d be Jacob. I can only imagine how Jacob must have felt like in this position. He, too, had done something in his past that was deemed as a terrible sin, undeserving of any forgiveness. 

Just as his name meant, “supplanter,” Jacob stole his brother’s birthright by setting up a trap for him, making red lentil soup right after Esau’s hunting trip, using his weakness to ensnare him to sell him his birthright. Then he defrauded his father of his brother’s blessings: 

“And he came unto his father, and said, My father: and he said, Here am I; who art thou, my son? And Jacob said unto his father, I am Esau thy firstborn; I have done according as thou badest me: arise, I pray thee, sit and eat of my venison, that thy soul may bless me.” (Gen 27:18.) 

Indeed, after all the deception, Isaac finally blessed Jacob (Gen 27:27- 29). Esau hated Jacob upon finding out about what he did. (Gen. 27:41) 

I wonder what it must be like for Jacob if he looked into a mirror then. Who would he see? Would he see his skeletons in the reflection, calling him names, pointing out the very mistakes he made? I cannot imagine the guilt in his heart when it dawned on him that he robbed his own brother of everything he owned, intentionally. 

How the mighty had fallen! Although he seemingly had “won the competition,” he left his home empty handed. Jacob was his mother’s favorite and lived a comfortable life, yet he was now without a home, loved ones, away from comfort. Worst of all, his brother hated his guts. All alone, Jacob slept on a rock, and this was when the Lord showed him a vision of the ladder, blessing and assuring him that He is with him.  

“Behold, I am with you and will keep you wherever you go and will bring you back to this land. For I will not leave you until I have done what I have promised you.” (Gen. 28:15) 

He caught a glimpse of God as he stared into the mirror. Although his skeletons still laid there, God was with him still, every step of the way. Life was not easy for Jacob for the next twenty years. After he fled from home, he never saw his mother again. Instead of being married to the woman of his dreams, Rachel, he was defrauded by his own father-in-law, Laban, who switched his bride to Leah, resulting in him working double the number of years to gain his beloved. His hard work finally paid off as he was blessed with twelve sons and a daughter, along with Laban’s possessions years later. 

It was then he decided that this was the best time to meet his brother. Being a shrewd strategist, Jacob hoped to pacify his brother Esau with an abundance of gifts.  To his surprise, his servant relayed the news that Esau was coming to meet him with four hundred men. 

This news greatly distressed Jacob as he thought Esau would come for revenge. (Gen 32:11) He prepared his way just in case he met his fateful demise by sending his family across the brook, along with all he had.

Jacob’s trials were not dismissed by the mere fact that he became a Christian; his past caught up to him. It did not dissipate just because he turned from his ways. He still had to confront his skeletons—he had to face Esau whom he severely wronged. 

As he was racked with guilt from his past, he struggled immensely. He needed the assurance that he was forgiven and what he needed the most now was peace. Just when his world got sucked into a whirlwind, a mysterious man appeared and began wrestling with him. 

The wrestling took all night— it wasn’t until daybreak that this man touched his hip, and it came dislodged from his socket. He immediately knew that this was no ordinary man, but Jesus. With every ounce of strength that he could muster, Jacob lodged himself onto Jesus and would not let him go until He blessed him. (Gen 32:26). 

Instead of an utterance of blessing like how He audibly pronounced in Genesis 28:15, Jesus asked him “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” Then he said, “Your name shall no longer be called Jacob, but Israel, for you have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed.” (Gen. 32:27-28).

It was then Jacob could see into the mirror and behold the image of Jesus. Instead of skeletons, the image that was reflected in the mirror turned into his Creator. In confronting his past, Jacob had to come face to face with Jesus to gauge who he was— his identity all this while. He realized that he was nothing but a supplanter, until he met Jesus who gave him a brand-new identity, Israel: one who strives with God.

As I peered into the mirror, I heard the same question being asked: “What is your name?” 

“I don’t know… I see trauma, depression, and anxiety.” 

“Are these your name?” 

“No. They’re…my skeletons.”

I had no idea that I suffered with these conditions for so long that they essentially possessed my being, claiming to be me, which became the person that I am now. They became my identity. Just like Jacob, I was ransacked by guilt that my actions kept hurting the people I love. On top of that, I ran away from God. I did not acknowledge my need for Him anymore. Life got progressively worse from there, and just when I thought the worst had passed, another hurdle came along. I had no idea that I was struggling with God through these hardships— it was not until the very thing I cherished almost slipped out of my grasp that I cried out to God: 

“Jesus, please do not leave me! Please don’t let me go! I’m sorry. Please. I need you! Please don’t take this away from me. I can’t take it. I can’t… ” 

In confronting my past, like Jacob, I had to confront Jesus Christ, for I am accountable to Him. 

“What is your name?” 

I was then reminded of these verses from the Bible:

“But now thus says the LORD, he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine… For I am the LORD your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior….Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you… Fear not, for I am with you;… everyone who is called by my name, whom I created for my glory, whom I formed and made.” (Isaiah 43:1-7) 

“My name is Min, and I am Your daughter.” 

Just like that, I felt a surge of peace wash over me. I found who I am in Jesus. I am His beloved child, and He loves me immensely. Just like how He pronounced a blessing upon Jacob, He pronounced the same blessing upon me: “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.” (Isaiah 43:2) 

Amidst the turbulent tornado and chaos in my world, I felt serenity that I have not experienced in a long time. It was something that only God can give. I was searching for life’s meaning apart from God and became so lost in the process. 

Mirror, mirror on the wall: who am I? 

When I looked in the mirror again, I saw Jesus gazing back at me, smiling, and I saw myself again. I realized something that evening: when I was running away from myself, I was running away from my true identity— a precious child of God. 

I finally recognized who I am, and it is a wonderful image to behold.